It's Not the Size That Counts; It's What You Do With It

"I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30; when I realized that I no longer had the energy to be completely superficial." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City, Season 1

Like Carrie Bradshaw and millions of women all over the world, I too have yet to come to terms with my looks. Over the years, I've lost weight, gained weight, changed my hair, changed my clothes, gotten piercings & then removed them--you name it--but I'm still not completely satisfied and confident with who I am (I'm still in the process of discovering who that is).

It's a perpetual problem that all women face; we always want the opposite of what we have. Women with straight hair want curly hair; women who are skinny want to be curvy (case in point: Cameron Diaz, who once claimed, "all my life all I have ever wanted to be is curvaceous and voluptuous [and] have everything falling out everywhere."). Why is it impossible for us to be satisfied with who we are and what we have?

As much as I love and am a slave to fashion, I know that these feelings of dissatisfaction are only reinforced in magazines and style guides, which show small chested girls how to dress in order to make their busts appear larger, and larger busted girls how to dress to minimize their assets. It seems fashion is always trying to teach us how to make our bodies look the opposite of what they are.

As I just pointed out with Cameron Diaz's quote, even celebrities--the "perfect" people society upholds as icons--have insecurities and things about their bodies they'd like to change. Keira Knightley, for example, recently admitted that she was happy with her looks before she entered showbusiness: "I've been to photo shoots where the photographer has told me he'd kept my legs out of shot so I don't need to worry about them - that of course makes you worry. Then I've had make-up artists who've told me they need to shade the top of my nose so it won't look so broken. I also got rejected for a job once because someone said I had a funny mouth. ... You start off thinking you're OK, then you have to go to some event and you remember you have a weird mouth, a broken nose and horrible legs." Kate Moss, who makes millions thanks to her looks, complains that she has "crooked teeth, bow legs and a wonky nose."

Now, I may not be 30 yet, but I'd like to think that I've acquired some wisdom concerning this topic since working at a high-end retail clothing store for the past few months. I've learned that women come in all shapes and sizes, and the majority of them are not a size 0 or 2. And surprisingly enough, those who are size 0 are oftentimes just as discouraged with their bodies as those who are several sizes larger, because they can't fill out the clothes they want to wear.

Edit: Another case in point: I recently had a customer who is exactly my height (maybe half an inch taller) & incredibly tiny. We had a very heartfelt discussion about body image, which was initiated after she candidly asked me, "Do you think I'm too thin?" I reassured her that she is at a healthy weight for her height, albeit on the low end, and that if she is unssatisfied with her appearance (she seemed genuinely concerned), that the solution was simple: Eat, darling, eat! (I stole that line from a sign in a restaurant that my sister went to lol)

The whole ordeal reinforced the fact that even thin girls are often insecure about or dissatisfied with their looks. Being thin doesn't make you happy; in fact, I strongly believe that aspiring to be thin makes people miserable! It's often a losing battle to fight genetics & we can only do so much to change ourselves; we can't change our body types. I honestly think that we could all be a lot happier if we just learned to accept ourselves & enjoy life (& part of enjoying life is eating what you love). Because there's so much more to life than dress size & you can't measure your self worth by the size of your jeans! Who's to say that thin is better? Celebrities?? Well we can't place ourselves on the same playing field as them (I'll say more on that later). We expect a lot more from celebrities, & it's part of their profession to look a certain way. Besides, we're not all on TV, in movies, or in magazines, so why should we be constantly concerned about the way we look?? (It's like having to deal with the same stress that celebrities deal with...only without the fat paycheck to compensate!) I'm sure most celebrities wish they could eat whatever they want whenever they want, but most can't. And just look at how many celebrities are miserable and sick because of their obsession with being thin. It's unhealthy!! But I digress...

This brings me to the most important lesson I've learned thus far: Despite what the media want us to think, we don't all have to be size 0 or 2 to look good; we just need to work with what we've got! When it comes to clothes, there are a multitude of colours, fabrics, patterns, & cuts designed to do different things, such as camouflaging or enhancing. What we need to do is dress for our body types so that we, like savvy businesswomen, can accentuate our assets and minimize our "flaws"--I put "flaws" in quotations because they are often deemed as such only in our own eyes (or by the media). But our flaws are what make us who we are, and we should embrace them as we embrace our assets. As corny as it may sound, we need to love ourselves unconditionally, flaws & all.

As an example of what I mean by dressing for our unique body types, this past Christmas, my store received a stunning silk strapless babydoll dress with rutching on the bustline. As much as I loved it, I was disappointed to find that I simply couldn't wear it; it just didn't suit my body type. I figured that the rutching would enhance my modest bust, but, in fact, the dress just made me look pregnant (which, I suppose, is what baby doll dresses do. And yes, I do realize that voluminous dresses are in style this season). I soon saw that other girls with similar body types were also unable to pull off the dress and were equally disparaged. HOWEVER, I discovered that the dress looked fantastic on women who had curvier physiques (but not *too* curvy). They were able to fill out the upper portion, which enhanced and flaunted their cleavage, while the lower portion concealed a curvier mid or lower section. My theory was later confirmed when, at sale time, all of the dresses were sold out, except for the smallest sizes. Thus, it really doesn't matter whether you're a size 2 or a size 8, as long as you know what works best on your body.

I would like to proffer one last important piece of advice: Ladies, please do not ever feel you need to change your body in any way for a man. Because truth be told, every guy has his own preferences and you want to find one who will love you for you. It upsets me to see how many girls put themselves through hell, dieting and exercising to look a certain way, just so that they can attract a man, even though several surveys have shown that most men prefer women with a bit of meat on them (more cushion for the pushin'). But as I said, every guy is different and if you're not a waif, then you'll likely want to avoid guys who are turned on by stick figures.

One of my best friends happens to be male, and one of the reasons we've been able to remain such good friends is that we're not really each other's types; he likes the curvy babes who've got back (and I, sadly, have a flat ass). This is the reality of the situation: Some men like big breasts, while others prefer small. Some guys like tall girls while others prefer petite. Think of it this way: We don't all go for the pretty boy Brad Pitt type (I know I sure don't! Give me a tall, dark, and handsome guy any day!), so how can we assume that all men want wispy blondes with dark tans & big breasts??

What we need is to love ourselves and feel comfortable with our own bodies. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Because no matter what, if we aren't comfortable in our own skin, then we'll never feel assured or worthy of someone else's affection. The saying is cliche, but only because it's true: You need to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

Slowly but surely I'm beginning to accept the fact that I've inherited my mother's figure & thus may never have a shapely behind, curvy hips, or an ample bosom. I have, however, inherited her slim build, for which I am grateful. I'm relatively small all around, except for my midsection, which is where any weight I gain goes (once again, I have my mother to thank for that ;)). And being petite (I'm 5'3.5'') means that any weight I do gain is just that much more noticeable, especially since it's not evenly distributed. If I were taller, I would be able to carry a bit of extra weight, because as my 5'10'' coworker says, there's more places to put it. ;) In fact, I find that taller girls look better with curves, whereas when they're skinny, they just look skeletal (think runway models). Luckily, when I gain weight, some of it does go to my breasts, but I'm still just a B cup. But I'm slowly beginning to learn how to dress in a way that flatters my figure. For example, I love to wear flouncy shirts that hide belly bulges over skinny jeans, which flaunt my slimmer lower half.

I also have to accept the fact that I'll never be naturally tan & that any tan I ever hope to achieve will have to come from a bottle or a booth, because I just burn in natural sunlight (And let me tell you, it can be quite embarassing to come back from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, only to be asked by the customs guard, "So where's your tan?!").

Whether or not these are flaws, I haven't yet decided. In the media's eyes, they are flaws, and the media tries to dictate what is beautiful and what isn't. But beauty concepts are constantly changing. If I were living in the Victorian Era, I'd probably be considered upper class due to my fair skin and the fact that I have some meat on my bones. Which raises an important point. Why is it that beauty is always dictated by the upper class? In the Victorian era, tans were a sign of the working class, because labourers had to toil outside under the blistering sun. And thinness was a sign of poverty, because it meant that a person was unable to afford food.

Today tans and thinness are signs of wealth, because only the wealthy can afford personal trainers, nutritionists, personal chefs, weekly tanning sessions, and frequent trips to tropical destinations (A friend and former coworker lent me a book called "The Beauty Myth," which discusses this phenomenon in further detail). Why should we let celebrities, whose jobs it is to look "good" at all times, dictate how the rest of us should look?? It's like Tyra Banks said (and can I just say how fabulous and healthy she looks now & how much I admire her for standing up for herself and all the curvy girls out there! You rock, Tyra!!!); she was able to gain weight because she's not a model anymore. There is an incredible amount of pressure on celebrities to be thin. Many, if not all, of them spend hours each day at the gym just to maintain their physiques. But why should those of us who don't spend our lives in the public eye or in front of a camera expect the same of ourselves?? It's just not realistic.

I think Eva Mendes had it right when she said, "My vision of a perfect body is a really healthy one. You have the tall, slender Gisele Bundchen-like perfect body. Then you have the Jennifer Lopez perfect body, and then you have the Beyonce perfect body. I appreciate women in all shapes and sizes because we are beautiful creatures." Amen to that, sister!